Cannot Let Go
Dear Mr. Positivity,
This is a rather small issue but will have an effect on what happens in my life..
You know I am going through a divorce, we have had mediation and a lot of issues have been settled… (sort of)
He wanted to have it right before his open heart surgery because who he is having an affair with came to his surgery and stayed with him at the hospital. She met my boys and I didn’t get to even go see him because of that. I am not sure how I will react to her when I see her and didn’t want to cause any “drama.”
I was a difficult week, to say the least…
His doctor ordered him to go straight home, he didn’t want him to go up his stairs (I actually offered for him to stay here) and to go to bed and rest. On his way home from the hospital he insisted his mother stop at 2 stores and he insisted he go in and get what he needed.
He was told to be off work for apx. 6 weeks. The next morning… (he left the hospital after 5pm on Monday) Tuesday morning… he has one of his “friends” drive him to work… so he worked.. and today… he was working again.. all I can tell him is.. he is nuts… as he is fussing me out.. I say.. “I’m sorry I am worried about your health and not money.”
When he talked to me after his surgery.. he waited 2 days… He made sure he was alone, since I had tried to call him and he wouldn’t pick up.. But he acted pitiful and told me all that was wrong and I told him what needed to be done what meds he needed to ask for and all.. told him if I were there… he knew I would have made sure things were done right.. he said.. “I Know.” Then I offered for him to stay here… whatever… he acted like he wanted to and told me he would call me back. After that… he has been nasty to me.. fussed me out, crazy things… I just said.. “whatever Ben, I will talk to you later.”
So this morning he asks me for his executive resume, that I made, no help from him….and no thank you..
People pay 1 or 2 thousand to get these done.. It takes a while to get it all together and write it all professionally. His boss has copies, his friend has copies.. if they know where they are… he has copies… but he tells me to get it for him that he needed it this morning and his passport…
I have had to hide my portable hard drives because he has tried to take my things many times, and I have a lot of work and photos and software on there.. I was pretty sure it was on there but I had to locate where “I” hid my hard drive, (lol) and then locate it on there…
Like I said… he’s been talking to me very rude.. Until he wants something from me.
He has lied to me non-stop.. he opened his mouth… I knew a lie was coming… (yes, he has an issue with it) I told him I had a copy of his passport and I’d be glad to give that to him. He didn’t order, nor pay for his passport.. He didn’t want the copy, he said it wouldn’t work. I told him his “story” made no sense and if I were to help him, he needed to treat this like a business at the least and not be rude to me. He still wouldn’t tell me what was going on… at least anything that made any sense at all.
I’m not a mean person and usually just give him whatever he needs to keep peace.. to.. just not be yelled at.. but wonder if this is just laying the groundwork for him to continue to disrespect me in such a manner.. I can’t recall him actually doing much of anything I asked, ever.
Last week… he (very sarcastically) thanked me for getting all of the paperwork together for the divorce for him, since now he doesn’t have much to do. All I said was.. “well, I usually am the one that does all of the paperwork while you play..”.
What do you think?
Sincerely,
Ms. No Drama Please
Dear Ms. No Drama Please,
Your ex or so to be ex is an ex for a reason 
It is very important to realize that.
It appears to me that you both don’t really know how to let go. He wants his cake and to eat it too. Another words, he knows you still love and care about him and is using that to his advantage, and for all intense and purposes your are allowing this to happen.
What I see here is a woman who is codependent — you are trying to hang on to a man who is blatantly having an affair and manipulating you to do what he wants. You are obliging because I believe it is habitual for you to do so — your need to please.
I understand that as the father of your children, you will ALWAYS care about him, but you cannot continue to expose yourself to his abuse of your caring. You have become so used to this treatment that you allow him to walk all over you and still continue to want to do right by him — very noble, but you aren’t being appreciated. You are being abused and manipulated…and allowing yourself to be.
When he is being rude to you … I would venture to guess that you are passive and don’t stand up for yourself. Instead, you keep giving and giving as you have done in the marriage — yet, your marriage and giving nature haven’t prevented a divorce. He is obviously a taker and I would guess he isn’t sure what he wants…
You need to let go. It’s okay to care about him, but not to the point of putting your own happiness at risk. He has his other half, but is keeping you close so that you still feel connected so that you won’t allow yourself to find yours.
Stand up for yourself, Ms. No Drama Please . Your very name, Ms. No Drama Please, indicates that you wish to experience no drama, but who is it that is allowing the Drama to flow into your life? By not standing up for yourself and being passive you are enabling him to continue to treat you like “crap”.
He cheated on you which means he didn’t respect you enough as a person to let you know he fell in love with another woman. He didn’t wait to bed her down – he was trying to have both and, frankly, still is in many aspects.
Isn’t it time to take control of your life? That isn’t going to happen by surrendering control to him … you need to take the wheel and step on the gas … getting far away from him.
You have daughters, yes? You wouldn’t want them to think that this treatment is acceptable, right? I’m sure if someone was treating them this way you would turn into a tigress and defend them! Do the same for yourself!
You are in pieces at the moment, gather those pieces together and reconnect with who Ms. No Drama Please IS! Remember, who you are and what you want in a partner — that has been lost to you for so long.
Yours Truly,
Mr. Positivity